Pet Loss and Grief
Introduction to Disenfranchised Grief
When I explore pet loss and grief with my clients, I like to take step back and discuss the term disenfranchised grief, which refers to grief that isn't socially acknowledged, validated, or publicly mourned. This concept was first introduced by Kenneth J. Doka, a grief counseling expert, in the 1980s. Disenfranchised grief occurs when a person experiences a loss but does not receive the same level of social recognition or support that typically accompanies other types of losses.
Examples of disenfranchised grief include:
Pet loss, where people might hear dismissive comments like "It was just a dog" or "You can get another cat"
Miscarriage or stillbirth, especially early pregnancy losses that occur before others knew about the pregnancy
Death of an ex-spouse or former partner
Loss of a close friend (as opposed to family member)
Death of someone from a stigmatized cause (like suicide or drug overdose)
Non-death losses, such as job loss or the end of a friendship
Losses experienced by those not traditionally recognized as grievers
When people experience disenfranchised grief, there are some particular challenges they may encounter that are not necessarily common in other types of grief. The following are some examples.
A person may feel they don't have the "right" to grieve
A person might hide how they feel about the loss, which can lead to isolation and either slowed or stunted healing
Traditional support systems and grief rituals may not be accessible to the griever
The healing process can be complicated by feelings of shame or invalidation
There may be fewer opportunities to process the loss through sharing and storytelling
There may be fewer resources available for the griever (such as bereavement leave)
Acknowledging that grief is valid in a variety of contexts can allow grievers to get the support they need to process and heal. When grievers are given the message that there is something wrong with them or that it is inappropriate for them to have the reaction they’re having, unresolved negative feelings can manifest in unhelpful ways, such as lashing out at others or social avoidance.
Understanding and Coping with Pet Loss, A Type of Disenfranchised Grief
And now, our main story: pet loss and grief. This is a topic that is so personal for me. When our cat Mistress died in January of 2020, I felt as if everything had been taken from me. I remember thinking at the time that the word “devastating” was such an understatement and that really, there were no words for this feeling of being hollowed out. Mistress had lymphoma and we were caregiving to her intensively during the 6 months or so before she died. We had to disguise chemotherapy medications in carefully crafted layers of treats and savory paste. We were constantly taking her to vet appointments and ordering and picking up prescription medications for her. One day, we went in for a check-up, and were told that she was in decline. I think we knew she wasn’t doing well before the vet said anything but now that we had to acknowledge it, we knew the end was here. We simply could not justify keeping her alive in this pain and discomfort. We chose to euthanize her that day. I believe being with her when she died was one of the tenderest experiences of my entire life. After Mistress died, some of my grief was eclipsed by the events related to COVID-19 that began in March. That year was a blur of working from home, feeling like crap, and trying so hard to cope with anything that gave me escape (food, Netflix, shopping, wine, projecting my negative feelings onto my partner, etc).
It’s early 2025 now and my grief is not over. People say, “Grief is love.” I loved/love Mistress fiercely and I will continue to make sense of life without her. The death of a beloved pet is a profound loss that often goes unrecognized in our society. As a psychologist, I regularly witness the deep emotional impact when someone loses their animal companion. This grief isn't "just about a pet" – it's about losing a family member, a daily source of unconditional love, and a significant part of one's routine and identity.
In his book, The Loss of a Pet, Wallace Sife, Ph.D., argues that we grieve the loss of pets so deeply because for many of us, they are our most intimate companions. We take care of them and they emotionally support us. We feed them, we sleep with them. For many child-free couples like my husband and me, pets have come to fill the child-sized void in our lives. We have a lot of love to give and doting on and fretting about our pets is a great way to channel that love. We’re not unusual in that regard. Pets are a significant part of domestic life for most Americans. According to the 2023-2024 National Pet Owners Survey, about 86.9 million families in the United States own a pet, which is about 66% of households. When our pets die, the loss is heartbreaking and destabilizing. And yet, pet loss and grief largely remains a type of disenfranchised grief. We do not get to have many of the rituals (such as funerals) that help us grieve. We do not receive bereavement leave. We receive comments from even our closest family or friends that “it was just a cat,” ensuring alienation and disconnection.
A poignant recollection for me was that in the immediate days after Mistress died, I was in shock and had nothing to give. Even though my colleagues and supervisors empathized with what I was going through, the institution I was part of would not recognize my loss as “bereavement” and in order to take time off to take care of myself and protect my patients, I had to use my own vacation time. I felt profound resentment about an impersonal bureaucracy determining who is or is not my “nuclear family member.”
Here are some additional facets of pet loss and grief that I’ve observed in therapy.
1. Role Loss: Pets often serve multiple roles in our lives – companion, source of routine, and someone who needs our care. Their (sometimes sudden) absence creates multiple losses in roles. Many clients who process their pet loss with me have said something to the effect of, “I just don’t know what to do with myself.” I have felt this way too.
2. End-of-Life Choices: Many pet owners face difficult end-of-life decisions, as I did, particularly when they’re torn between supporting a pet’s life or euthanizing. These heartbreaking decisions can lead to complicated grief and feelings of responsibility or guilt that may not be as common when people die.
3. Grief that Triggers Previous Trauma/Losses: Recent or current triggers can sometimes “reactivate” previous grief. This is quite common as loss can be traumatizing for many people and when familiar but scary feelings such as vulnerability and helplessness recur, a person can emotionally re-experience previous losses in addition to the present loss. Similarly, when an individual has a history of trauma, the loss of a pet may trigger the person’s habitual trauma response, which may not be helpful. For people who may have in the past coped with trauma in maladaptive ways (such as substance use), grief and trigger a regression to bad habits they used before.
Coping With and Healing From Pet Loss and Grief
Maybe it’s a cliche to say that grief is a journey. But it really is! You go from the acute feelings of absence and longing, to accepting and learning from the experiences you had with your pet. Even though our society may frown upon entering therapy specifically for pet loss and grief, I highly recommend working with a therapist to process it. Therapy is a safe and productive space to process disenfranchised grief because we may not get the validation and acknowledgement we need from our communities or society in general.
From a clinical perspective, several strategies can help process pet loss:
1. Acknowledge the Loss: Give yourself permission to grieve fully. Your pain is valid and natural. Talk about it, even with people whom you may not view as the most sympathetic. When people say the wrong thing, gently call them out and let them know how they affected you. Own your pain.
2. Create Rituals: We do not necessarily have readymade rituals for the deaths of our beloved animals. However, we can get creative and make them ourselves. My partner and I created a memorial book for Mistress with lots of photos of her and all three of us. This type of activity and the object itself provided a helpful transition and reflective space for us. Other example rituals include the following:
Creating a scrapbook of memories with your pet
Writing a letter to your pet expressing your feelings and saying good-bye
Build a memorial shrine in a small area of your home with your pet’s favorite objects and treats
Plant a tree or flowers in their memory
Donating to an animal shelter in your pet’s name
3. Maintain Connections: Share memories with others who knew your pet, including friends, family, neighbors, co-workers, pet-sitters, dog-walkers, veterinary staff. This helps you get support from others so you’re not alone.
4. Practice Self-Compassion: Be patient with yourself as you navigate this loss. There's no timeline for grief and grief comes up in different ways for everyone. If at all possible, don’t be hard on yourself about what you’re feeling and how you’re functioning after you lose a pet. Remember your job is not to “get over it,” but to live through it with kindness and understanding towards yourself.
Moving On is Not Forgetting Our Love
Sometimes people want to cling to intense grief because they’re afraid that when they’re no longer actively grieving, it’ll mean they’re abandoning their loved one. I certainly felt this too at times. But having lived through this loss, I realized that recovery from grief doesn't mean forgetting. It means integrating the loss into my life story. Doing that gradually allowed me to reinvest in new relationships and experiences, including traveling and adopting a new cat. Many find that their love for their pet eventually becomes a source of strength and positive memories rather than acute pain. From what I’ve observed, this tends to happen when people do the work they need to do while grieving.
I have Mistress’ ashes in an urn that I proudly display in my living room and it brings me a lot of comfort to know she is still home with me. She is a reminder of how freely and passionately I can give my love and how I can survive the most difficult of losses.