Black Friday With a Psychologist: Shopping Addiction and “Retail Therapy”
Introduction to Shopping Addiction and “Retail Therapy” (Emotional Spending)
The holiday season is upon us again. There’s so much to say about the holidays from a mental health perspective. But today, I am focusing on a topic that is often overlooked in the mental health space: shopping! As Black Friday approaches, I see my news and social media feeds drawing me into a dizzying array of discounts and deals. Who of us is not tempted by shiny new objects, at a special price, for a limited time? Especially when our algorithms are tailored just for us and we’re shown exactly the kind of chunky sweater we’ve been wanting since it got cold. For individuals grappling with shopping addiction or emotional spending, Black Friday is indeed a dark occasion that can bring with it destructive urges that start vicious cycles of impulse and regret. In this article, I’ll explore the following:
Shopping addiction
Emotional spending
“Retail therapy”
Strategies for staying grounded in a consumerist culture
What is a Shopping Addiction?
The term “shopping addiction” refers to an addiction-like relationship with a particular behavior (i.e., buying things). It is characterized by an overwhelming urge to shop and spend money, often leading to negative consequences. Shopping addiction falls under the same categorical umbrella as being “addicted” to playing video games or gambling. Whether or not shopping can be considered a clinically significant abuse disorder similar to substance abuse is a matter of some debate among mental health professionals and researchers. The main argument suggests that while shopping addiction is problematic and can be quite severe, it may not share the neurobiological mechanisms of substance addiction.
Shopping addiction is pervasive and severe enough to be officially recognized in the two most widely used mental health diagnostic systems in the world: the DSM-5-TR and ICD-11. In both systems, it is classified as a disorder of “impulse control.” The basic concept of a shopping addiction is nothing new and has been around for well over a century. It was called oniomania and first appeared in the German translation of Psychiatric Lectures in 1892. If you can imagine it being recognized as a problem in the late 19th century, you can imagine how the arrival of online shopping has made it even more difficult to resist the impulse to buy things we don’t necessarily need.
There are those in the mental health space who want shopping addiction to be taken more seriously in research and treatment interventions. Some researchers advocate for the addition of Compulsive Buying Disorder (CBD), as it is known in scholarly literature, in diagnostic manuals, replete with evidence-based practices specifically for CBD. (I personally think the name is likely to be confused with the other CBD everyone knows and loves and needs to be changed.) What I have found to be so valuable about this body of research is that it connects shopping addiction, aka Compulsive Buying Disorder, with other psychological symptoms and conditions, making it more understandable to clinicians and clients alike. For instance, individuals who experience Compulsive Buying Disorder are also likely to have at the same time depression and anxiety. In practice, it’s been useful in my own work to think of shopping urges as a strategy to change one’s mood or emotions.
What is Emotional Spending?
Emotional spending is the shopping equivalent to “eating your feelings.” Essentially, you are shopping to deal with emotions you are trying to cope with. The most typical presentation is a person feels anxious and to reduce that feeling of anxiety, they buy something that may give them a sense of control or a pleasurable experience. Just as with emotional eating, the severity of the issue depends on how negative the consequences have been for an individual. If a person is going into debt to pay for things they impulsively purchased to feel better, I’d say that deserves some serious discussion in therapy. But if it’s an occasional coping strategy and that individual has other resources and tools for coping that work for them, it’s likely not too problematic. My working assumption is that in our consumerist culture, we all fall prey to emotional spending in one way or another and it may be helpful to just acknowledge it as part of modern life. But just as emotional eating has unintended negative consequences, emotional spending may start to feel like a vicious cycle that can make us feel stuck and powerless. I think of emotional spending as being a milder version of shopping addiction. And yet, there are many people in my professional and personal lives who wish they had greater power over their spending.
Emotional spending takes on a bit of an extra intensity around the holidays and Black Friday. Black Friday promises consumers that it’s a time of year when they can afford the things they perhaps otherwise cannot afford. It’s the time of year when it’s okay to indulge because it’s a precious opportunity to get something at a discount. In this way, Black Friday feeds into our aspirational fantasies of being richer, more stylish, more youthful, more beautiful, and more fulfilled. When the route to fulfillment is presented to us as buying something and that message is presented over and over again, we can’t help but respond to it and internalize it.
Emotional spending is the shopping equivalent to “eating your feelings.” Essentially, you are shopping to deal with emotions you are trying to cope with.
Is Retail Therapy Actually Therapeutic?
I like the honesty of “retail therapy,” which is shopping for the sake of feeling better. I appreciate the ritual of a person going out into the world on their own, being with their own feelings and thoughts, and making decisions just for themselves related to which stores they’re visiting and what they’re buying. It’s a way to get some “downtime” and that in and of itself is so valuable, particularly for a person who has competing demands on their time. It’s a way to benefit from the weak ties that enrich our lives when we interact with all the people we encounter in shopping spaces. Because of these reasons, I find the online version of retail therapy to be rather un-therapeutic. In stark contrast to the IRL version, you don’t leave your home to go to a third space, you’re alone, and you’re on a screen. I suspect there are few therapists who can get behind online shopping as a way to cope in a sustainable way.
But the main conundrum of so-called retail therapy is that it’s hard to make the case that it actually resolves or heals something. The way we cope with negative emotions of events should not cost us more. The way we cope should not create other problems for us by using up resources (e.g., money) that are important for our long-term freedom and well-being.
I think there’s a basic premise in the idea of “retail therapy” that’s flawed: that consumer goods solve our problems and bring us fulfillment. It’s important to clarify here that it is simply not in our nature to be made happy by the things we buy. This is because of a psychological phenomenon known as hedonic adaptation that has us return to our baseline level of mood/emotions regardless of life events and novel objects we have in our environment. We may feel some temporary excitement and joy about a new object but sooner than we might expect, we will get used to it and it becomes the new normal. In “Good-Bye Things: The New Japanese Minimalism,” Fumio Sasaki describes this cycle in crystal clear terms.
“The glory of acquisition starts to dim with use, eventually changing to boredom as the item no longer elicits even a bit of excitement. This is the pattern of everything in our lives. No matter how much we wish for something, over time it becomes a normal part of our lives, and then a tired old item that bores us, even though we did actually get our wish. And we end up being unhappy.” - Fumio Sasaki
So say it with me: our shiny new thing does not change our mood or emotions in the long-term. We are on a hedonic treadmill. And here’s a meme that many a psychology student has used to remember hedonic adaptation.
My conclusion is that retail therapy has a very limited role to play in overall well-being.
Holding Onto Ourselves in a Consumerist Culture
Before we talk about personal agency regarding consumerism, we first have to acknowledge that consumerism is in the very air we breathe. There’s no escape. Advertisements, social media, and societal norms can contribute to the normalization of excessive shopping, making it challenging for individuals to resist the allure of constant consumption. Other underlying reasons for compulsive buying may include a desire to mirror what we see in our peers and seeking a sense of belonging. Shopping addictions can also intersect with cultural and identity dynamics. In the BIPOC and APIDA communities I serve, fashion and appearance may be important mediums for self-expression. However, the aspiration to look a certain way can be in conflict with other goals for that individual (such as financial security). To give a personal example, I just returned from spending one month in South Korea, where the dominant cultural expectation is that people wear new clothes and shoes. In general, people in South Korea (especially Seoul) are really well-dressed, which for me, heightened anxiety I had about fitting in and being accepted. Across cultures, gender norms and expectations play a significant role in shaping shopping behaviors. The most striking illustration of this is the societal pressures on women to meet certain beauty standards or expectations (as explored in Elise Hu’s book “Flawless”). These pressures contribute to gender-specific patterns of buying. If what we are buying is connected to feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem, it would make sense to me that compulsive buying can develop into something that becomes increasingly problematic over time.
There are many challenges and at the same time, there are some real choices we can start practicing that help us wrest control over the emotions that drive us to emotional spending.
Here are my 8 recommendations for dealing with emotional spending.
Explore Your Triggers
The foundation of emotion regulation is being aware of your emotions. I often use this "Feelings Wheel” tool to help people increase their emotional awareness. Emotional triggers that often lead to shopping urges include stress, boredom, loneliness, or sadness. Keeping a journal to track emotions and associated spending incidents can help make the relationship between your emotions and spending even clearer.
2. Explore Alternative Coping Strategies
Every person is capable of developing healthier coping mechanisms for managing emotions. Engaging in activities such as exercise, journaling, or spending time with loved ones can offer positive alternatives to shopping as a way of dealing with stress or emotional distress.
3. Clarify Your Values
When facing a challenge that intersects with mental health and societal pressures, it’s important to take time and space to figure out what really matters to you. In psychotherapy, we sometimes call this values clarification and there are many ways to engage in this discussion. When I work with clients on emotional spending, the value of “frugality” often comes up. Sometimes it comes up as a value that a client genuinely holds for themselves but their actions have reflected otherwise, causing dissonance that leads to shame and guilt. Other times it comes up as a value someone believes they should have but actually (upon exploration) does not personally resonate for them. In my experience it doesn’t seem helpful to think of frugality as a moral virtue. Rather, if frugality is something that coincides with other goals, such as being able to do the things that matter more, like traveling or taking care of one’s family, then it can serve as a helpful guideline rather than a source of self-blame.
4. Set a Budget
Establishing a clear budget is a foundational step in managing shopping addiction. Outline how much you can afford to spend on Black Friday and stick to it. This will help curb impulsive purchases and prevent financial strain. The practice of sticking to a budget can feel like a helpful accomplishment that build confidence over time.
5. Shop with an Accountability Partner
If you’re going out shopping at brick and mortar stores, bring a trusted friend or family member along for support. They can help keep you accountable, provide perspective on your purchases, and offer encouragement to resist impulsive buying. If you’re preparing for an online shopping occasion such as Black Friday, ask a safe person in your life to be your accountability partner. Shopping accountability partners can discuss budgets, specific limits for each item or category, and time limits on shopping websites or apps.
6. Establish a "Cooling-Off Period
It’s simple but effective: implement a "cooling-off" period before making non-essential purchases. This could involve waiting 24 hours before buying anything beyond basic necessities. This pause allows time for reflection and helps interrupt a vicious cycle that starts with impulsivity.
7. Seek Professional Help
If shopping addiction or emotional spending significantly impacts your well-being, seeking support from professionals is crucial. A licensed psychologist can provide personalized strategies to address the root causes of compulsive spending, especially since this is often connected to simultaneous mood and anxiety symptoms. Shopping addiction is a holistic problem, however, and people who struggle with this issue also benefit from the support of financial educators and counselors, support groups, medical prescribers, and spiritual leaders.
8. Celebrate Non-Material Achievements
Shift the focus from material possessions to non-material achievements. Celebrate your personal growth, accomplishments, and positive experiences that don't involve spending money. This reinforces a sense of fulfillment beyond material possessions.
Shopping Addiction & Emotional Spending: Conclusions
We live in a consumerist culture in which there is the pervasive idea that fulfillment comes from the stuff we have. When difficult emotions or stress arise, it can be easy to try to manage those emotions by buying something that brings us momentary joy. The allure of Black Friday's enticing bargains can exacerbate these tendencies. In the long run, buying something when stressed might set us up for over-relying on shopping to feel better and this behavior may not align with our financial goals and values. Just as “eating your feelings” doesn’t provide a sustainable and helpful solution, “shopping your feelings” leaves us feeling empty and the problems that drove us to compulsive shopping remain unchanged. This Black Friday, if you’re struggling with shopping or spending, give yourself a lot of compassion and take it one moment at a time. As Jon Kabat-Zinn said, “You can’t stop the waves but you can learn how to surf.”
Contact Me
If you’re looking for professional help in California or Texas, I have a few appointment times that are open. I like to start with a free consultation visit first so that I can determine if we’re a good fit and if I can actually help you. Contact me here.