Asian American Wellness Challenge: Shifting From “Self-Discipline” to Self-Compassion
Introduction: Self-Discipline is Overrated
Here’s what I hear a lot in session.
“I just need to have more self-discipline.”
When it’s difficult to work out, cook dinner, start on that big project at work, prep for the next presentation, tackle the paper that’s due in a week, we pre-suppose that what we are missing is self-discipline. The American Psychological Association’s Dictionary of Psychology defines self-discipline as “the control of one’s impulses and desires, forgoing immediate satisfaction in favor of long-term goals.” This definition suggests that the nature of self-discipline includes delayed gratification and a denial of present moment pleasures. (Wow, I can’t stop rolling my eyes at how toxic that is…okay, back to building up my argument.) In popular culture, we associate self-discipline with productivity, health/fitness, success, and moral virtue. Many of the messages around self-discipline have long been part of Western cultural history, coming specifically from Christianity, which emphasizes self-control over sinful temptations.
Thinking about behavior from the lens of self-discipline is limiting because it overlooks the impact of external factors on human behavior. We don’t make behavioral choices from a cognitive/experiential/emotional blank slate. We are dealing with stuff, all the time. We are taxed by our stuff, all the time. When external factors impact us, we may not have the ability to exercise “self-discipline” and “just do it.”
Here are some other ideas from psychological science that tell us the notion of self-discipline is unrealistic and unhelpful.
The Role of Intrinsic Motivation: Intrinsic motivation refers to a drive to engage in a behavior because the individual finds it rewarding. Intrinsic motivation tends to lead to longer lasting behavioral changes. In other words, the activity brings the person some satisfaction and that emotional reward reinforces the behavior over time.
Self-Blame and Self-Criticism: Focusing a lot on self-denial and self-control can have negative effects on one’s mental health. Stress, anxiety, and feelings of inadequacy can become worse when trying to meet unrealistic expectations. In addition, if a goal is not reached and the explanation for that is a lack of self-discipline, that sets the stage for self-blame, which can deflate motivation and momentum to creatively problem-solve.
Psychological Flexibility: This is a concept from a very effective and evidence-based therapy called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Being psychologically flexible means being adaptive to context, open, present, and accepting.
If I haven’t convinced you that self-discipline is a problematic and incomplete idea, then let me at least encourage you to adopt an alternative that is absolutely risk free—self-compassion. You cannot be harmed by trying to be more compassionate and kinder to yourself!
Self-Compassion: An Essential Tool in the AAPI Wellness Repertoire
As a Licensed Psychologist who works primarily with AAPI and BIPOC clients, I've seen the toll that the relentless pursuit of self-discipline can take on one's mental health. As people of color and/or children of immigrants, we're bombarded with messages that tell us we must always be striving for more, working harder, and pushing ourselves to the limit. But this is such a distorted view of life, one that completely ignores personal happiness as a priority.
Self-compassion is a much more sustainable and nurturing path to personal growth and well-being. Self-compassion is a construct that was researched by psychologist Kristin Neff, who defines it as follows:
“Acting the same way towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don't like about yourself as you would towards a friend.”
(Sidenote: I highly recommend Neff’s book Self-Compassion.) Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness, care, and understanding that you would offer to a close friend. It means acknowledging your imperfections and accepting yourself as you are, flaws and all. Self-compassion doesn't mean giving up on your goals or becoming complacent; rather, it provides a more encouraging way to relate to yourself so that you can keep trying and overcome barriers to your goals.
Self-Compassion Works
The great news about self-compassion is that it’s not just a kinder and more understanding approach towards yourself but it’s also pretty effective at helping people feel better and achieve behavioral change. Here’s a brief digest of the research findings on self-compassion.
Resilience: Research has shown that self-compassion is linked to greater emotional resilience. When you approach your challenges with self-compassion, you're better equipped to bounce back from setbacks and failures.
Reduced Stress: Self-compassion can reduce the harmful effects of stress on your body and mind. By soothing your inner critic and practicing self-kindness, you create a buffer against the negative impact of stress.
Improved Mental Health: Embracing self-compassion can lead to improved mental health outcomes. It's associated with lower levels of depression, anxiety, and perfectionism.
Practical Steps Toward Self-Compassion
Mindful Self-Awareness: Start by becoming aware of your inner dialogue. Notice when you're being self-critical and strive to replace those negative thoughts with self-compassionate ones.
Practice Self-Kindness: Treat yourself with the same kindness you would extend to a friend. When you make a mistake or face a challenge, respond with understanding and encouragement.
Let Go of Perfectionism: Understand that perfection is an unattainable goal. Embrace your imperfections as part of what makes you unique and human.
Set Realistic Goals: Instead of aiming for unrelenting productivity, set achievable goals that align with your values and well-being. Celebrate your progress, no matter how small.
Remember that it's okay to be kind to yourself, to acknowledge your humanity, and to prioritize your mental and emotional wellness. By doing so, you'll not only thrive personally but also be better equipped to navigate life's challenges and support others on their journeys toward self-compassion. What I hope to hear more often instead of “I just need to have more self-discipline” is
“I’m going to give myself some compassion around this difficult issue.”
If you haven’t engaged in this kind of practice yet, give it a try and let me know how it goes! Again, there’s nothing to lose by treating yourself more gently and kindly.